everyone makes mistakes. We all make bad decisions
We all lie. Whether to protect ourselves, 
or to protect someone we care about.
Either way.. I lie is told at some point or another.
Some lies just hurt more than others.
And some people have a lot to hide.

the past is not irrelevant.
it shapes who you are now.
the past is in the past.. 
but is always brought to the present.
the present hurts because of the past.
the past doesn't go away. 
it is permanent, and there is no changing it.
but you can learn to accept it for what it is and was.

i believe forgiveness is an attribute.
it takes a strong person to forgive people who hurt needlessly
it takes an even stronger person to forgive someone who isn't sorry and doesn't regret.

Just because you believe you're being a good friend..
doesn't mean its going to be perceived that way.
Just because you had good intentions
doesn't mean someone else did.

Sometimes you do whatever someone tells to you..
so they won't hurt anymore. 
Just so they'll be okay with you again
Just to make sure they won't hate you.
And after all that.. they do in the end

Life has a funny way.. 
of going everywhere unexpected and unplanned.
Life has a way of breaking your heart
countless time.. with no remorse

I wonder if everything that happens to us
is really supposed to make us stronger.
I wonder if everything really is a lesson
or a cruel joke to inflict pain

I wonder how many memories
we're supposed to look back and laugh at.
Which moments are supposed to be looked back on?
There are always more bad memories 
than good that are rememberd.
There are more times where we are ashamed
rather than proud.

I think too much. its an illness
my 18th birthday is in 10 days
& I love coctails and bacardi
I love people who love me back
I love not pretending around people. 
and having them laugh, appreciate
& simply accepting that.

"Heaven forbid you end up alone, and don't know why. 
Hold on tight, wait for tomorrow. You'll be alright"


last night was fun. I had the most amazing conversations with John, Matt, and Justin.
Justin was mostly quiet. but thats okay. Being overly emmotional isn't what everyone wants to do.
The conversation lasted until 4 in the morning. It was soo refreshing to get everything out and know i'm not alone

We talked about soo much. We talked about our childhood, growing up, high school, unforgettable moments. We talked about politics, religion, beliefs, standards. We talked and made comments about past relationships, the want and need for a relationship now. We talked about the future. What we hope for, what we expect, what we want. We talked about marriage, and having kids. We talked about making commitments and making the right decisions and having the faith that you're making the right decisions. We talked about our hopes & wishes & what we fear. We talked about our mistakes, and how we learned from it. We talked about how we realize what regret is. What we should regret, and what we learned not to do again. We talked about what isn't regret, but when realize what you did or a person wasn't right. We talked about the difference of being close to someone opposed to being sexual with someone. We talked about how much more important it is and special it is when you share that with someone you love, and how it changes everything in your relationship afterwards. We talked about that last moment of being a child, and becoming an adult. We talked about our priorities. And we talked about the importance of staying close and remembering everyone that has ever been there for you. We talked about death. We talked about the hurt of having to go thru that, having someone leave, and having to watch everyone that loved that person at their weakest moments. We talked about how fast life goes by, and what milestones we have to look forward to.

Last night was pleasing. I cried. It was an okay cry. I didn't hurt.
I cried because everything we talked about.. I've been hiding for soo long.
I haven't been soo open with anyone in a long time. It felt soo good to let my gaurd down.
No one.. for a long time.. has called me out of my feelings, or just wanted to sit and listen to what i've been thru, what my opinions are, and how I'm feeling. I'm soo glad I got to do that with the boys I care about. They make days soo much better.

But earlier I went out with Joy. we got pedicures, went shopping, and got chipotle for dinner. and then saw "Little Man" with the boys & Kelly. I had a really good night. I'm soo glad I have those moments. I hate taking them for granted.

sometimes I wonder if I'm really happy. and what makes me happy. I wonder if i'm truly happy with who i am.
I've had this weird feeling lately.. that I'm okay. When certain things are brought up or shoved in my face.. I'm not hurt anymore. It still hurts, but i'm not feeling that lonely, never ending emptiness. I'm almost okay with everything i was put thru, everything that was said to me, and everything I was lied to about. I get mad, and defensive.. I hate who I was.. and how I let people use me and walk all over me.. because I cared too much about them and not about myself. I'm alright with the past.. I've finally accepted it for what it was, and realized I can't change it. I've given up the "what ifs" and realized that everything that has happened, and that I have done.. was for a reason. I'm glad I'm okay with that. I'm glad I found that...

I know this will all come out immature. but I'm okay with that...

I refuse to forgive my parents for the double standard they have put on me my entire life. I refuse to forgive them for the hurtful things they've said to me. I refuse to forgive them for the physical abuse and emotional abuse they put me through. I refuse to forgive them for the stupid comments they say to me. I refuse to forgive them for their lack of understanding. I refuse to forgive my parents because of their need to judge. I refuse to forgive them because of their ignorance. I refuse to forgive them for their lack or support. I refuse to forgive them because they were soo blind for soo long. I refuse to forgive them because they didn't want to help when I fell. I refuse to forgive them because they have never accepted who I was. I refuse to forgive them because they have never been proud of me. I refuse to forgive them because they are never happy for me. I refuse to forgive them because they constantly look at me as a failure. I refuse to forgive my parents because they've told me I'm a fuck up. I refuse to forgive my parents because I'm always their disappointment. I refuse to forgive my parents because they always forget about me. I refuse to forgive my parents because I'm always one of their last priorities. I refuse to forgive my parents because they constantly accuse me of being jealous. I refuse to forgive my parents because they treat me like a child. I refuse to forgive my parents because they always tell me I'm selfish. I refuse to forgive my parents because they tell me all I care about is myself. I refuse to forgive them because they see me cry and only make it worse. I refuse to forgive them because they never taught me to be stronger. I refuse to forgive them because they taught me to be the doormat that everyone uses. I refuse to forgive them because they made me forgive, and forget when people hurt me. I refuse to forgive them because they refuse to forgive me when I mess up. I refuse to forgive them because they always hold my problems over my head. I refuse to forgive them because they constantly break promises. I refuse to forgive them because they can't accept I'm not always strong enough to deal with things on my own. I refuse to forgive them for making me feel inferior. I refuse to forgive them for making me think that i'm worthless. I refuse to forgive them for making me feel like no one loves, or cares for me. 
I know i'm being horribly insensitive and childish ((and contradicting)) by trying to put all the blame on my parents for being the way I am. But they have been trying for most of my life to mold me into what they want, and because i don't meet their expectations.. i'm not acceptable. I'm constantly being compared to other people.. and that has been one of the biggest ways to hurt me. Not only by them.. but by the people I respect and loved.

But on a better note. I'm feeling better. my mono doesn't have me as tired. 
I've ben hanging out with the boys a lot more. it makes me feel better.
I hate most girls and all drama.. i'm glad I got away from it. and atleast hang out with girls that don't fight over petty shit

So yeah.. saw "you, me, and dupree" tonight with the group. that was fun. the movie wasn't that great tho. The commericials made it seem funnier than it actually was. but it did have good parts.

And I've decided I'm gonna go to the club on the day or my birthday with melissa and yana.
and I'm officially legal in 27 days =) yay for that. Not that its going to make any significant difference.. but just the thought makes me happy.
Alright.. I vented. I think I'm done.

"When you finally get over someone you find a special place in your heart to keep them, no matter what happened in the past. You'll always think of them and smile even if you don't have the best memories. You'll sort of forget certain incidents that made you feel so bad and you won't hurt anymore, but you'll still remember the way it felt when you were hurting. When you really are over someone, there will be no regret.. "


**she reminds me of me.. a long time ago. that person I used to be seems so unfamilar. Thank god for that.
I'm so thankful that I grew up and I see things for how they are. I'm soo thankful that I can appreciate the people around me that treat me right, and I have enough sense to push away the people that don't. I'm so thankful that I respect myself. I'm thankful that I know someone will respect me. I'm thankful that I know I will love someone again. I'm thankful to know that in my future someone will love me unconditionally. I'm soo thankful that i'm able to live my life right now. I'm so thankful that I have a support system. I'm thankful for the true friends I have. I'm thankful that no matter what we go thru, no matter how long we don't talk, or fight.. if i call them crying, they'll listen. I'm soo thankful that I realized he wasn't my life. I'm soo thankful that I realized it wasn't all my fault. I'm soo thankful I realized people make mistakes, and most deserve to be forgiven. I'm soo thankful that I realized I need to forgive myself before I was truly happy. I'm soo thankful that I learned to except that people change. I'm soo thankful that I know all that I do now. I'm soo thankful that I didn't give up. I'm soo thankful that I taught myself not to depend on him. I'm soo thankful I moved on. I'm soo thankful that he moved on. I'm soo thankful that he found happiness. I'm soo thankful I don't have to deal with the wrath of his anger and words. I'm soo thankful we left things where they were. I'm soo thankful I found my closure. I'm soo thankful that I can smile again. I'm soo thankful for the hell I was put thru, because i'm strong and reasonable today.

I'm soo sad I lost that amazing person that used to be my best friend. I'm sad that he changed. I'm sad that we couldn't manage to get over our past and become friends again. I'm sad that I kept those memories of us. I'm sad that when I hear "our song" my heart still stops. I'm sad that I haven't been able to find someone so overwhelmingly perfect. I'm sad that I have soo many expectations. I'm sad that I have standards. I'm sad that I see right thru people. I'm sad that it took me so long to realize i didn't need him. I'm sad it took me soo long to forgive myself. i'm soo sad it took so long to get over him. I'm sad that it took me even longer to get over the hurt and painful words that were said. I'm sad that when those distant memories come to my head, I smile. I'm sad that sometimes I wish I could take things back. I'm sad that sometimes I wish I could take back time. I'm sad that sometimes I wish he could call just to talk. I'm sad that he disrespected me. I'm sad that I cry when I think of all the pain I felt. I'm sad that no one warned me that losing your first love is one of the hardest things you go thru. I'm sad it took me soo long to stop lying. I'm sad it took me soo long to stop hurting him. I'm sad for doubting love. I'm sad for questioning what we had. I'm said that I denied us being in love, I gave all my heart, what we felt at the time was true. I'm sad that I get that little feeling everytime I think of not ever speaking to him for the rest of my life. I'm sad things were soo bad. I'm soo sad I wasted soo much time not living. I'm soo sad I put my life on hold. I'm soo sad I took him for granted. I'm soo sad I took people for granted. I'm soo sad that I took life for granted. I'm sad that I still take life for granted. I'm soo sad I lost my smile. I'm soo sad I forgot what happiness was for a brief time. I'm soo sad I lived soo recklessly only to crash and burn.

"what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger" words I used to hate. and now for the most part appreciate, and understand. I hated how no one understood what I felt. I hated that everyone judged, not know the circumstances. I hate how no one knew what was really going on. and I hate how when I opened up.. they went running to him, letting him know what I said. that was utter bullshit. that was a complete lack of respect. I don't know why and how I learned to look past and forgive the people who did that. Sometimes I wonder why the hell I forgive, why I do find the best in people and hold onto that, thinking that everyone has good in them. But then forget the part that not everyone had good intentions. not everyone wants to see you happy. not everyone wants you to be okay.  Growing up, is by far the hardest thing. teaching yourself and learning what people's intentions are is soo difficult. Remembering all the advice people have given you, and trying to go by what is right and what your heart tells you at the same time is soo frustrating. Life is discouraging at times.. its soo hard to remember that everything happens for a reason.

mmkay. I feel better. I don't care who takes the time to read this. or what you think afterwards. I will use this when I want to. I will write what I want to, and not care what you have to say.
Kudos to those who did actually read this and understand I'm just letting things out. and a special go fuck yourself to the bitches who judge =)

You say we’re just friends
We're playing pretend to keep me here


( I think about the things you said )

I turned around 3 times and wound up at your door

( Now you say you know all you did not know before )

( reasons like seasons.. they constantly change )

fuck it..

love never fuckin existed..

( Just let it die.. with no goodbyes.. )

I'm missing your laugh
How did it break?
And when did your eyes begin to look fake?
( i hope you're as happy as you're pretending )

( {{</3 sometimes you forget where the heart is </3}} )

 There's something wrong with me.
     I'm soo emotional tonight.

= / blah. I hate being this way
It feels like everyone is taking stabs at me

 I said I wasn't going to cry today...
( i lied )

( And we all feel lost at times )

I am moving through the crowd
Trying to find myself
Feel like a guitar that's never played
Will someone strum away?

Your life plays out on the shadows of the wall
You turn the light on to erase it all
You wonder what it's like to not feel worthless